To Thine Own Self Be True

As a teenager, I was sullen and somewhat abrasive. Looking back, I realise that I may have been struggling with who I was becoming, what my body was turning into and the absence of someone I felt comfortable enough to talk to about all these things. All this led to my being very self-conscious, and so I built sturdy walls around myself.

Even today, I am not perceived as an approachable person. I do not apologise often for being this way as it  prevents "see-finish" or over-familiarity.

Over the years, I have learned to accept who I am. I have also built a serious support system of sisters, friends and cousins around myself. I cannot stay negative for too long with all of my family around me.

So I understand that people struggle with who they are and therefore come across as rude and/or unfriendly.

And here's an example:

I have a colleague. Let's call her Ms Pantyhose, PH for short

Ms PH was born and bred in the United Kingdom. She has a perfect British accent. But she's mixed West African and works in Lagos.

When we first met, we got on really well. I mean, she even got me a birthday present. Then I started noticing things that didn't sit well with me: she's terribly passive aggressive, she's condescending, she constantly makes really negative comments about Nigerians and black people in general.....amongst other things.

All these things wouldn't matter to me so much if she was say, on another floor in the building. We share an office.

I used to be scared about putting work stuff out on a blog.....well, whatever.

Here's the thing: I rarely bitch at work or about work. When I do, I make sure it's not in my work space as I do not need that kind of negative energy hovering around for long. I also keep my personal calls to a minimum. Probably two minutes at a time, really quietly and I don't say much.

So she talks on the phone - like serious personal phone calls about people dying and stuff- really loud while she's at her desk, she chews gum like she could win a gum popping contest in Isale Eko, and she sucks her teeth really loud after eating.....
Oh, and yeah, even though we aren't allowed to eat at our desks, she NEVER goes to the kitchenette or canteen to eat - No matter what she's eating and it's more often than not stinky Lebanese food.

She refers to black people with the N word or as "darkies" and makes comments like " only darkies" or "Kai! Darkies and their behaviour/mannerisms/problems".

She is a professional whinger. Something is always wrong. Something dey always do am....
And to call her rude would be the biggest understatement of the year...

Yesterday, she was going through the website of a food vendor I had recommended and she asked "Is it owned by Black people?" Pause.

I no get strength to begin ask question so I said, Yes. Then she continued, " As in, it's not owned by Lebanese people...". PAUSE!

I stared at her in disbelief for like 5 minutes. And then she proceeded to voice her concerns about the safety of eating seafood from places like that because of the heat blah blah blah......

I have dealt with all of this for almost a year now....EVERYDAY. The reasons I continue to grin and bear it are:
1. She senior me for office
2. She senior me for age
3. I know Jesus
4. I honestly feel that there is a fundamental problem with the way she sees herself

Here's what I think: She's in her early forties, unmarried, and living in a foreign country. She is not entirely happy with where she is in life, yet, she is not stopping to work on all the negativity that seems to be floating around her all the time.....

She believes that being quarter-cast grants her a white person pass. Being really light-skinned with an impeccable British accent and the best of Brazilian weave money can buy does not grant you a white person pass. It also does not grant you the authority to look down on "black" people. Pretending that you're better than us so-called "darkies" does not allow you the magical opportunity to alter your race.

I have been quiet (which many of my close friends know is VERY unlike me) BUT, the day is coming.....Oooooh, the day is coming when I shall speak my mind.

Politely, of course.

Ladies and Gentlemen, evaluate your feelings. Check your negativity and yank it out from the root.
Self-hate is real.

T.