Ibeere. Idahun.

1. Why can't I find a job?
2. What's with everyone wanting to be a celebrity or socialite these days?
3. Do I really want a job?
4. How am I supposed to let him know that I need him here?
5. How come there's so much food in my freezer and I do not feel like eating anything in there?

6. Should I delete my Facebook account?
7. What are the benefits of being a kept woman?
8. Why can't I be a kept woman?
9. Why am I almost bored out of my mind?
10. Why is money so hard to come by these days?

11. Can they just stay in London a little while longer?
12. If I have to look up whether a certain addiction exists, should I get help?
13. Is it healthy that I am obsessed with my own body parts?
14. What size can I be and still look "lush"?
15. Is baking one cake a week healthy/normal?

16. My bucket list. That's not going too well now, is it?
17. Why am I finding it hard to date men under 35?
18. Should I move back to the States?
19. Is it odd that I feel no kind of way about not getting into grad school?
20. Can a smile be too sexy?

21. Should I care that someone described my smile as too sexy?
22. Why haven't I bought underwear this year? *hyperventilating moment*
23. Does "magun" really work?
24. Why can't I have him? Really.
25. Can I be a kept woman?

26. Why do we pretend to be such a moral society?
27. Will I ever get over that Saturday in March?

Warning: this post is of an extremely personal nature. It is not about self-pity. If you think I sound spoilt or ungrateful or whatever, sorry. I need to vent somehow. This is my blog after all.


I woke up today with a cloud hanging really low over my head. For two hours, I was unable to shake the feeling and couldn't get out of bed. At some point, I felt tears falling. One more hour passed - during which I had updated my bbm status to the sad face smiley as that was the only way I could really describe how I felt. Also, I didn't know who I could talk to as I was not sure what I wanted to say.


Sad. For so many reasons. Reasons that I have taught myself to keep to myself. Not today. Hence, this post.

I finally got up and showered, fully aware that I was frowning the entire time, fully aware of an unwelcome tightness in my chest. I figured that when i got on with my day, the feeling would subside and I'd be back to normal, happy on-vacation me. Unfortunately, I've had no such luck.

So I got on with my day. As I waited for the bus, I tried to think happy. I couldn't. So I ate a bag of crisps I'd had in my bag for three days to distract me for a bit. I sat on the bus wringing my hands. I do not wring my hands. I have other nervous habits. Wringing my hands is not one of them.
Throughout the bus journey - all 15 minutes of it - I tried to find what could be wrong. I also tried to find things to smile about. I eventually cracked a smile when I realised that nothing I was wearing matched. Train time. Surely, the kpaka-kpoko of the train would at least drum out the feeling. Nope. It also didn't help that it smelled like at least three people in the cabin hadn't showered in days.

Bond street station. I usually don't mind walking a bit. Not today. I took the bus one stop across to the Tottenham Court road side of Oxford street. Ive had a cold for a few days and wanted to see a doctor or nurse at least. There's an NHS walk-in centre in Soho. I figured I would also ask whether the reproductive health pills given to me in Lagos were appropriate.

I got lost in Soho. I've never ever been lost here. Ever.

When I eventually found the centre, they asked me to pay a shocking fee. I walked out. After getting lost and walking about aimlessly, I was not in the mood for that mess.

Thank God that Google and I are heavily acquainted. I looked for and found a better centre in the same vicinity.
I get to the centre and I'm told to come back in half an hour. No problemo. Walked back out. As I was not in the mood to get lost again, I figured I'd go into a cafe grab a coffee and sit my ass down. I found a church. So I went in.

I hadn't been sitting there for ten seconds when the floodgates opened. For shame, I caught myself. Not before I told God where it hurt and how I feel about certain things.

I left the church, made a right, saw a red neon sign and then I realised I was in SOHO! So I chuckled a little before going back to the centre.
Fast-forward real quick and I'm at Knightsbridge buying chocolate and cookies - Yup. Was definitely feeling down.

Things really aren't hunky-dory with me at the moment. It took someone telling me the truth plainly for it to all come to a head.
1. I've quit my job. This deserves a post on its own. It will come on April 1st.
2. I'm broke. And yes, I'm on vacation. Bought the ticket ages ago. And I took the vacation because I needed some away time badly (see 1,3 and 4)
3. Some of my family relationships are a bit strained at the moment.
4. The trigger for this post: I'm tired of getting there late or not being good enough.


Since there is a whole post dedicated to 1, I'll start from 2.

2. Last year, I saved like a maniac because I wanted to buy a car. Then I had to travel three times to sort out some documents. All three trips were out of my pocket. I got help on my last trip in November because by then I was running low. I have also spent close to a fortune on my current car that is still acting like we're going through a bad break-up. I'm on vacation but I haven't really shopped. Truth is, this vacation wasn't intended for shopping. This trip was to a. Prove a point and b. get some rest. I have achieved neither. My pocket is 500k lighter.

3. My family means everything to me. If you're my good friend, you subconsciously get tagged family. I hate arguing generally . Ok I lie, I love a good argument about abstract, far-removed issues. I hate arguing about personal things and I hate it even more when it's not resolved and when it's with family. It hurts. Even when I know I'm right. Peace is my motto. However, because I have no filter as far as family is concerned, I tend to say more than I should or get angrier than I should. With unpleasant results as I'm sure you can imagine.

4. Second fiddle doesn't sit well with me. I've welcomed it a couple times willingly. Why and how? I fall hard and I fall completely. There are no half-measures where my feelings are concerned. So I rationalise: part or nothing at all? So I bury what I tend to dismiss as nonsensical signs of being over-emotional, and accept part. Those signs, those twinges often don't go away without being properly dwelt upon and in some cases, present themselves with the help of other variables, as weighty, unshakeable moods, kinda like today. So what's your problem? I know you want to ask.

My good friend said to me recently: I think your problem is that in actual fact, you're here - raised hand above his head- but you see yourself as here - hand at waist - and you argue for why you should be considered and treated as here- hand at waist again. I had no response. I still don't.

So today, my mood sucked. Also, someone asked me to carry extra luggage which is number 2 or so on my list of pet peeves. And in my suckiness of mood, I pushed my good friend further away. If I'm feeling a certain way about you, it's very unlikely that I want to talk to you about you. At least, not for a few days. Then I'll be rational and less likely to regret what I say. As soon as I got off the phone, I proceeded to have a mild panic attack that didn't really subside until I started writing this post.
The damage is done though. I'll just have to wait this one out. Hopefully it isnt't permanent.

I'm back where I was this morning. Slightly numb, trying to think differently or not think at all. Insomnia is looking really comfy next to me right now. My tummy has not been cooperative in accepting food all day.

Has putting it out there made me feel better? Slightly.
What am I planning to do about numbers 1 to 4? I'm planning.

I'm not sure of most things anymore. I'm not sure of earning a good income, or maintaining healthy relationships or remaining sane in the midst of challenges.

I am sure of one thing: God is not dead.

Up For Rent

 I once fancied myself a poet. These days, I barely have enough time to get through my deliverables at work and eating and breathing. So my poetry dreams have taken the back seat. And I know it's a sad and lonely place.

I wrote the piece below and published it on my old blog on September 24, 2008 I can't believe I wrote this sometimes. Time (and maturity, hopefully) have changed me quite a bit but I still feel the emotion that brought this on.
Writing for me is all about emotion. Reading this brought back the exact way I felt that day, and that emotion brought me inspiration.

Sometimes, somehow, out of our deepest darkest days, comes some of our best work.

Enjoy.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tenant of Number One, Heart Close

Your lease has run out.
Your tenancy, expired.

and I know without a doubt
that I wont regret stamping out that fire.

You sat, ate, slept, took a piss in here for free
Lazing about, running up my bills

Now the joke is on me
Your ass got me on prescription pills.


So get your ish begone
'fore I release the dogs on you

Because your time here is done,
Us, you and me, are through.


~ Your soon-to-be-former landlord.

**************************

I've got a space up for rent
Clean, warm, and pest-free

I don't take cash, or credit, or check
Just Common sense, respect and reciprocity.



(c) YorubAtinuke

My Friday Morning Bored and Hungry Random Musings

People dey vex me dis morning. Hunger dey worry me. Na dis kain tin wey I no dey like for Friday o. Warn yaselves.

Oya:

- Why are human beings inherently rude? Or is it a lack of home training? Why would I give you something that I spent my hard-earned naira converted to pounds to buy for you and you can barely mutter 'thanks'? Abeg, if you no want, drop am dey go. There is such a thing as "No, thank you".

- Why are balding, greying, bespectacled, well-spoken men SO attractive? Throw in dimples (and a nice smile) and nice hands and... well... *ahem*. *composing myself*)

- What is this nonsense about cassava bread that I am hearing? With everything happening in the country right now, we're talking about cassava bread?????? Filing this under things that annoy me about this country's leadership.

- The Spreh-spreh gang will soon start practicing since the abroad-ians are landing soon. Please spare me. I am not interested in your random r's and l's in random places in random words. Just smile and nod when I'm talking to you.

- I love kids. I love kids. I love kids.

- Grad school? Grad school? Grad school.

- Oga husband, where you dey nah? Abi we dey fight? Or I don meet you already? Na wetin? Thirty no dey too far oh.

- They said I am a rebel and a snob oh. Hmmmm. Okay, I will buy iPad. Donations are welcome :)

- I'm a bit rebellious sha. Thank God for the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

- Please if you ever want to uhm, sway me/win me over to your side, I have a list of things that I accept depending on what you are asking for. So there are ranges. If you are interested in this list, call me.

- Dearest lady friends of mine, if you wear a skirt/dress that is four inches above your knee and the slit is at the back, and the slit stops right under your assets: You are looking for trouble, and you will find it. Don't be alarmed when it comes knocking boldly at your door expecting a pleasant response from you.

Peace.

-One more thing, if you are a single forty-something year-old man or woman that spends your time gossiping about people, talking negatively and laughing about other people's relationships, sounding like you have nothing better to do, I genuinely feel bad for you.

The Lost Art of the Birthday Card

I remember birthdays when I was younger. My favorite thing to do was tear open the birthday cards from family and friends. Maybe because of the money that was usually hidden inside. Maybe because I have always loved words and I LOVED reading what greeting cards said.

On everyone else's birthday, I pick greeting cards with so much emotion that sometimes, I end up crying in the greeting card store. Like, "yeah, that's my *sob* sister *sob*...." Ahem. Yeah, I can be emotional like that.

I don't remember the last time I got a birthday card from someone other than my family though. I must say that I really miss that.

In the place of greeting cards, we have blackberry messenger (bbm) messages, facebook messages, tweets, blackberry messenger(bbm) status messages and profile picture changes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the various gestures. I also understand that the average person today spends more time on some sort of computer than with anything that actually requires writing long-hand. Case in point: this blog. Once upon a time, all of this would have been written in a journal. As a matter of fact, I have quite a number of half-full journals hanging around my bedroom from the last couple of years.

I just miss the personal touch that greeting cards have.

I am just as guilty as everyone else though and am quick to change my display picture to your picture and put up an appropriate message. I do wish things were different though.

Why does this bother me so much, you ask. Well, first it was the greeting cards, notes and letters that went. Then, it was phone calls. The people that call me most - My family and my boss. I call people but I find that many times, they'd rather have a bbm conversation. Mostly because of being discreet, which I understand, but also for reasons best summed up as habit.
Now, we all want short, abrupt ways of communication - tweets, bbm, text. All effective but quite impersonal.

So it's December and as part of my new year's resolutions, I intend to give as many people birthday cards as possible. Maybe it will spur something on.

Twenty Eight: Thankful

I had been planning November 27th 2011 for so long that when the restaurant manager at Southern Sun called me that morning trying to be difficult, I was not having any of it. At all.

Neither was I having it when the cake lady decided to catch an attitude about her own problems.

The amazing cake. Southern Red Velvet from Cake Flair

Even though they decided to try themselves and all, the brunch happened, karaoke happened and  my favorite people were present - including my parents who have not been at any of my birthday celebrations since I moved back almost five years ago (for various reasons)



I really had an AMAZING birthday this year. I am grateful to God for His mercies and blessings on my life. I am most grateful for the friends and family he has blessed me with.

I am now 28. The journey continues.

My Chevy

I drive a Chevrolet. It makes me want to cry.

My Chevy sounds like an airplane sometimes and at the moment it is costing me waaaaay too much money. Sometimes, I want to just abandon it somewhere, you know, just dump it and walk away.

The problem is I loved my car once upon a time.
It will turn six in December and if you ask me, I think it needs to be retired soon.

I had my car serviced in October because it was acting up seriously and making a very embarrassing noise. Ten days later, I got stranded on Queens Drive on my way home. Apparently, the hose popped off and as a result the car overheated and well, the engine shut down.

So, I got my Dad's mechanic to come and look at it. He fixed it. Then, it started to misbehave a few days after. Then it decided to have a full-blown relapse.
It was early Sunday morning on Ozumba and the thermometer suddenly went all the way to the right. I started praying and turned into the Mobil filling station. Thankfully, the "specialist" was available even though it was a Sunday.

After that incident, everything was fine and dandy until last Monday evening.

I was driving home and my car suddenly started making a noise. From experience, I was able to determine that the noise was coming from the fan belt. I was so mad, I was laughing. You see, I got my fan belt replaced in October when it went to be serviced. I know that fan belts generally last longer than a month so I think my anger is justifiable.

So as I write, I am car-less, relying on the goodwill of friends and family members. I hate feeling like a burden on other people.

My birthday is in four days. I NEED to have my car working by then. Otherwise, I envision it being slightly difficult to properly enjoy myself (and it will mean having to spend more money than I had planned on car hire or something).

For the past six months, I have been going over the various possible options of sorting out this car problem. Not that I can currently afford it but there's no harm in planning ahead. The available financing options and the car vendors are a topic for another day.

Keeping my fingers crossed that My Chevy pulls through intact from the operation it may need to undergo tomorrow and rides with me through my birthday weekend.

It's retirement date is not up just yet.